An Avian Bloodbath: The Bird Butcher Amongst Us

you may have noticed that we have started publishing our backlog of submissions to write for specsucks.  this one is from a reporter.
Birds killed by colliding with the numerous and almost obtrusive amount of windows on the Columbia campus may have more posthumous concerns to raise amongst their living compatriots in light of recent and disturbing news that has come to light.  It appears that, according to numerous well-placed sources within the janitorial staff and undergraduate body, a case of severe tu quoque is at play in the recent breaking of this tragic story of bird reverse-defenestration.  Just as windows kill, so too can those who report them.
        A certain reporter of the Columbia Spectator is now highly suspect in charges of avian homicide, mutilation, and gross perjury in the face of questions regarding various inconsistencies in the article “Reflective windows at JTS causing bird collisions.”  These suspicions first became pertinent when various disparate reports of a mysterious figure scooping up long deceased avian corpses late at night began to be logged by both Columbia and Barnard Public Safety.  Furthermore, the NYPD has reported that many residents north of Columbia have often stumbled across makeshift sacrificial bird altars, along with other disturbing reports of frantic shrieks in the night and sounds of forcible objects being thrown at windows.
        What may at first have been dismissed as the volatile outpourings of a restless nighttime New York soul sharpened into sudden focus on Thursday night, when sophomore Maya Demamp (CC ’15) reported to her RA (a certain Alex Bleyo, SEAS ’14) that she was worried her roommate was going through various fugue states, disappearing at strange hours at night and becoming generally uncommunicative.  Abigail Golden’s real secret life was exposed that very night, exactly a day after her now infamous article on the unfortunate deaths of birds to windows on the north end of campus, when the concerned RA acted on his noble Wien instincts and, using residential discretion, rifled through Ms. Golden’s personal belongings.  Found therein were several disturbing notes that mentioned avian apocalyptic retribution, a secret pent-up desire to enslave several bird species, and tearful confessions of nights with no recollections despite blood-stained hands and torn clothes in the early morning.
        Although some have alluded to stress and journalistic obsession as factors in Ms. Golden’s bizarre behavior, including Daniel Klem—an ornithologist at Muhlenberg College in Allentown, Pa. who has studied the problem of birds running into windows for 40 years – who mentions that those who take up the cause of studying avian reverse-defenestration often suffer from acute paranoid delusions and anxiety of persecution from bird-infested skies, a large percentage of consulted experts and the student population believe more nefarious work is at play.  As is often the case in the seedy world of Columbia Spectator, aspiring reporters are warped by the demonic taint of the newspaper and summoned into carnal passions that suit their particular tastes.
        Now only will the esteemed Spec Sucks publication veritably assert that the pieces in this puzzle can only mean one thing, that a Spec reporter is actively mutilating, collecting, and performing devious experiments upon birds, but that a cover-up the likes of which hasn’t been seen since…actually such cover-ups have been seen quite often in Columbia’s not so pristine history.  Though it is scantly possible that Ms. Golden’s odd behavior and eldritch notes are all emanations of a highly sensitive mind disturbed by the needless deaths of birds against windowpanes, the stakes are too high to avoid the clear sociopathic veneer that has been spurred with no bit in light of recent events.  In a highly precise and anatomical poll of the student body at Columbia, a full 57.5% said that it made sense that the writer of the article would hold a murderous regard of birds and obsession with their cadavers given the evidence and the general morbid trend over at the Spec.
What do you think: lovable and achieving reporter consumed with avian justice or renegade butcher of birds bred in the bawdy halls of the Spec?  Make sure to give your opinion on this titillating mystery on campus.

Write a comment to show how the spec sucks.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: