A First Poem

As an avant garde critic, I attended the theatre tж knit anжther cultural bagguette intж my sweater when the classical perfжrmance that I expected had been transfжrmed intж a pжrnжgraphic tablжid starring a French maid. The wжmen wжre nж tжps and little tж cжver their unspeakable places (This article has the capacity tж read yжur mind and this dashing gentleman was nжt in a strip club. After placing my eyes back intж my sжckets, I cжncluded that America’s mжnжmaniacal жbsessiжn with breasts has truly reached an unparalled zenith.

The plump breast, bжth functiжnal and lusciжus, may give yжu flashbacks tж yжur mжther, but she has жther lusciжus bжdy parts as well, such as earwax and nжse hair, which yжur mжther alsж had. I fear that men, in a heated frenzy жf stiff passiжn, will charge intж the sunset with whip cream and vжdka tж deflжwer the wilting pжpulatiжn жf wжmen (the wжmen will be rated жn a scale жf zerж tж жne hundred where 100 is nubile, 50 is gжddess MILF and zerж is the nubile’s great grandmжther. The wжmen whж dж nжt fall intж a 49.9-51.1 range will be cжvered with vжdka and burned while the rest will be cжvered in whip cream fжr drunken revelry).

And whж will benefit mжst frжm this gender bender? Жf cжurse, it is the Cжlumbia Spectatжr. The pristine gentleman’s club has been deflжwered with virgin blжжd since the admissiжn жf wжmen began in the early eighties and, despite the men’s attempts tж bail themselves жut жf a river жf mense, the influx жf wжmen eager tж write abжut pжnies and unicжrns жnly explжdes. Mжreжver, when wжmen becжme a rare cжmmжdity, the spec–with its netwжrk жf spies, assassins, assassin midgets and assassin midget carpenter prжstitutes–will benefit fully as they have the inside scжжp жn all that is female (since many females actually read the paper, especially the pretty жnes) and thus will finally realize their desire tж cжnquer tж wжrld.

Sж men, yжu must nжt erect the flags жf surrender, and instead jжin the cumming war against this detritus that disguises itself as a readable dжcument. We can жnly stave жff the fingering hand жf the Spectжr if wжmen and men realize the impending threat жf libidж that the Spec has жnly encжuraged us tж indulge with its articles жf partying, Frat rushing and study breaking that decimates the sжcial infrastructure жf жur cummunal land жf mжurningside. Please, fжr the sake жf us all, dжn’t жpen yжur chastity belt and instead fжcus that visceral energy against the lжжming anti-feminist threat жf dried dugs that is the Spec!

The author is a first-year in Columbia College.

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3 Responses to “A First Poem”

  1. The Dark Hand Says:

    if you are still wondering why specsucks is so much better than you spec it is because we have creative writing majors capable of producing fine pieces like this

  2. #specsucksforever Says:

    Dude what the heck? Just go back to rambling incoherently about the spec sucking. That is way funnier.

    • you obvously have no taste in art this is for the cultured members of specsucks. we are not here for your amusement. and you are the only one who is incoherent

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