Intrepid reporting on SSSOL

many of you know the ssol.columbia.edu it is a normal website for registering for classes and photoshopping pictures of your grades to show your parents.  That is what I thought too until one fateful afternoon.  It was dark out and i was by my candlelight browsing for epic memes when it became late so I was tired.  i could have gone to bed and that would be that i wouldn’t be here today talking to you, but that was not what happened.  instead i decided that i would check on my GPA.  now many of you of course are thinking yes that is totally reasonable and you have no reason to be fearful.  But you are wrong.

as I thumped heartily upon the keystrokes of my keyboard, my tired brain decided to play a trick on me, and while I subjectively experienced but two s key taps, instead a third was serendipitously entered.  in my delusional state I did not notice as I hit the enter key with the force of a thousand suns.  As the university login page pulled up, i thought something was amiss.  My intrepid reporting sense was ringing off the hook. I typed in my usual credentials but instead of logging me in it instead popped up a screen with a HUGE FLAMING DEMON FACE saying “go away”.  I clutched my poster of bruno mars tighter.  I clicked the x on the demon face but the demon only laughed.  Truly this was the height of terror.  suddenly i realized:  this wasn’t ssol.  this was SSSOL and i was in for a ride.  The demon laughed at me, his maw gaping in horror.  There was nothing I could do, and I was considering calling CUIT before i noticed a faint outline in the demons mouth.  As he opened his mouth further it materialized into view:  it was a login form, but for some SHADOWY ORGANIZATION.  i sat and contemplated.  if i logged in then maybe it would  serripitously cancel my columbia health insurance waiver. or perhaps all my bank account would be transfered to someone else.  there was no knowing what they could do.  So of course as a intrepid fucking reporter i hatched a plan.  I pulled out my list of spec staff login credentials. I started at the top.  Abrams?  Lau?  no, too obvious…. I scrolled down my list further.  Salazar.  The perfect mark.  Powerful enough to bring shame to the spec community, but lowly enough that nobody would believe him.  After all, it’s hard to be taken seriously when you’re the arts and entertainment guy.  Sort of like the frothy foam on top of the meaty carcass of intrepid reporting.  I took a moment to pat myself on the back.  I’d really outdone myself.   I copied the information from my plaid notebook… djs2199… ilovecolumbia…the demons eyes quivered in pleasure as I entered each character emphatically (ED: the original password has been modified to protect the users identity.  It originally contained a digit at the end).  as I entered the final digit, the demons mouth closed around me, and I was entered into the cavern.    I could faintly make out the outline of various illegal activities and scandals in the dim light of the cave (ED: this metaphor is slightly confusing).   I lurched forwards towards a tab labelled “spec finances” accompanied by a GIF of a dancing baby.    i hovered my mouse over the mousepad, and then clicked.  I strained my eyes as the pages and pages of 4 pt font cleverly designed to hide their finances from prying eyes loaded and prepared my zoom key.   but just as the last page loaded.   my screen turned dark with terror, and a sudden flash of blackness meant I lost all power.  NOOOOOOOO!!! I cried out into the darkness.  I removed my hood to see better.  it was a power outage….. or somethign more sinister.  I slept by  candlelight.

by the next day the trauma had not worn off.  I rushed to the university campus library for students, and i slammed on the keys.  S S S O L D O T C O L U M B I A D O T E D U.  I was smashed in the face by a 404 error.  They were on to me.  The gig is up.  well, when you’re as intrepid and journalisty as I am, you’ve had quite a few gigs be up on you in your day.  But i am still watching and lurking and waiting, for the time that they next slip.  I AM THE FIST THAT SHALL BRING YOU DOWN.

-The Mysterious Shadow

(this story has been adapted from the original I posted to /r/creepy)

if you are a cretive writer or intrepid journalist please contact thecloakedmask@gmail.com for submissions which we will  respond to in 4-6 business years.

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One Response to “Intrepid reporting on SSSOL”

  1. The Phantom Shadow Says:

    so spooky

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