Specsucks establishes official concrete banner policy

Posted in Uncategorized on September 10, 2014 by specsucks

When I was reading my paper copy of the columbia spectator, i leaned back from my vomit bucket to notice an article that caught my attention.  “

“Barnard remains without concrete banner”

now that’s actually a good idea i thought to myself classily.  cloth banners wear out, are stolen, and impermanent, like the tenure of the spectator staff.  What better way to remedy these weaknesses then with a concrete banner.   A concrete banner is rock hard (literally), impossible to destroy, sturdy, and stands for american values.  I didn’t read the article but I spent the next few hours contemplating the possibilities.

Intrepid reporting on SSSOL

Posted in Uncategorized on September 8, 2014 by specsucks

many of you know the ssol.columbia.edu it is a normal website for registering for classes and photoshopping pictures of your grades to show your parents.  That is what I thought too until one fateful afternoon.  It was dark out and i was by my candlelight browsing for epic memes when it became late so I was tired.  i could have gone to bed and that would be that i wouldn’t be here today talking to you, but that was not what happened.  instead i decided that i would check on my GPA.  now many of you of course are thinking yes that is totally reasonable and you have no reason to be fearful.  But you are wrong.

as I thumped heartily upon the keystrokes of my keyboard, my tired brain decided to play a trick on me, and while I subjectively experienced but two s key taps, instead a third was serendipitously entered.  in my delusional state I did not notice as I hit the enter key with the force of a thousand suns.  As the university login page pulled up, i thought something was amiss.  My intrepid reporting sense was ringing off the hook. I typed in my usual credentials but instead of logging me in it instead popped up a screen with a HUGE FLAMING DEMON FACE saying “go away”.  I clutched my poster of bruno mars tighter.  I clicked the x on the demon face but the demon only laughed.  Truly this was the height of terror.  suddenly i realized:  this wasn’t ssol.  this was SSSOL and i was in for a ride.  The demon laughed at me, his maw gaping in horror.  There was nothing I could do, and I was considering calling CUIT before i noticed a faint outline in the demons mouth.  As he opened his mouth further it materialized into view:  it was a login form, but for some SHADOWY ORGANIZATION.  i sat and contemplated.  if i logged in then maybe it would  serripitously cancel my columbia health insurance waiver. or perhaps all my bank account would be transfered to someone else.  there was no knowing what they could do.  So of course as a intrepid fucking reporter i hatched a plan.  I pulled out my list of spec staff login credentials. I started at the top.  Abrams?  Lau?  no, too obvious…. I scrolled down my list further.  Salazar.  The perfect mark.  Powerful enough to bring shame to the spec community, but lowly enough that nobody would believe him.  After all, it’s hard to be taken seriously when you’re the arts and entertainment guy.  Sort of like the frothy foam on top of the meaty carcass of intrepid reporting.  I took a moment to pat myself on the back.  I’d really outdone myself.   I copied the information from my plaid notebook… djs2199… ilovecolumbia…the demons eyes quivered in pleasure as I entered each character emphatically (ED: the original password has been modified to protect the users identity.  It originally contained a digit at the end).  as I entered the final digit, the demons mouth closed around me, and I was entered into the cavern.    I could faintly make out the outline of various illegal activities and scandals in the dim light of the cave (ED: this metaphor is slightly confusing).   I lurched forwards towards a tab labelled “spec finances” accompanied by a GIF of a dancing baby.    i hovered my mouse over the mousepad, and then clicked.  I strained my eyes as the pages and pages of 4 pt font cleverly designed to hide their finances from prying eyes loaded and prepared my zoom key.   but just as the last page loaded.   my screen turned dark with terror, and a sudden flash of blackness meant I lost all power.  NOOOOOOOO!!! I cried out into the darkness.  I removed my hood to see better.  it was a power outage….. or somethign more sinister.  I slept by  candlelight.

by the next day the trauma had not worn off.  I rushed to the university campus library for students, and i slammed on the keys.  S S S O L D O T C O L U M B I A D O T E D U.  I was smashed in the face by a 404 error.  They were on to me.  The gig is up.  well, when you’re as intrepid and journalisty as I am, you’ve had quite a few gigs be up on you in your day.  But i am still watching and lurking and waiting, for the time that they next slip.  I AM THE FIST THAT SHALL BRING YOU DOWN.

-The Mysterious Shadow

(this story has been adapted from the original I posted to /r/creepy)

if you are a cretive writer or intrepid journalist please contact thecloakedmask@gmail.com for submissions which we will  respond to in 4-6 business years.

Happy birthday

Posted in Uncategorized on August 27, 2014 by specsucks

Happy birthday to you

happy birthday to you

Leaky Tip

Posted in Uncategorized on August 18, 2014 by specsucks


A tip was reported that after seeing spect staff walking the hallways of Mudd, the following birth control device was conspicuously left behind.





Please dont let them breed.

Bruno Mars Cancels bachanal

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on August 11, 2014 by specsucks

AFter the spec board foolhardedly cancelled Bruno marks expected appearance at the spec sucks 2014 rally Bachanal, as a pre-emtory move to discredit specsucks as a publication as predicted in the portents of the specsucks master blog (verse 3 chapter 13 post date may 2 2013) , our lord and savior was not pleased.   He released a thinly veiled dis-track toward the spec managerial board on the soundtrack for Rio 2.   Take a look at the verses

Look at her shinin’
Her feathers they glow
Now the jungle’s smiling
‘Cause our baby’s home
Can you feel what I feel?
The day has come at last
Our precious jewel has returned
I’ll be the first to say welcome back
Oh welcome back

I say welcome, welcome, welcome

He opens with the line “Look at her shinin'”  a reference to the shine of precious metals accumulating in the spec’s bank account.  This contrasts with the double meaning  of shining, referring to shoe shining, a metaphor for the sucking up which the underlings in spec must do to gain their positions of power (in particular, this line is a biting criticism of Abrahams’ “shoe shining” she did to get elected by former dictator-for-life Roth)

After such an explosive opening line, he continue the extended metaphor for cash the spec is accumulating.  In the context of Rio 2, these lines are a bit confusing. Feathers do not shine or glow, barring genetically engineered luminescent bird which is okay if you don’t know about not everyone can study organic chemistry B-) (but we’ll save that topic for the specsucks “sience” issue ).  However, when we understand this second line as a continued metaphor for the “shining” coinage of the spec, and the wads of cash tossed in the air and floating down like “feathers”.  The adjective “glow”, which is traditionally interpreted as a positive glow in this song can be properly though of as a more menacing glow, like that of the eyes of a demon, or a masked figure (more on this later)

“Now the jungle’s smiling” he continues, ostensibly paying homage to the setting of Rio 2 (which is a jungle btw if you haven’t seen the movie).  But he obviously is really referring to the CONCRETE jungle aka NEW YORK CITY aka THE BIG APPLE.  and who is in new york city?  yes that is correct the columbia spectator.  And who is smiling?  Spec.  And why are they smiling?  we have to look at the next line to see.

“‘Cause our baby’s home” This is why spec is smiling.  Because their “baby” (obviously a reference to the rebellious group of bwoggers who attempted to split off from the spec mother-brood.  Bruno mars mocks specs rejoicing, because he knows that it’s just a phallic victory.

Now that bruno has set the stage, denouncing spec as money-grubbing throat-lickers, who rejoice over bacchanal board control, he brings the disses.

“Can you feel what I feel?” here he dimeans the specs op-int program as inferior to that of specsucks.  He has superior information to spec, and spec is essentially in the dark when they are messing with him.

“The day has come at last”  The “day” he is referring to, is of course the day in which he reveals his true power.  Spec has overstepped their bounds and he will put them in their place.

“Our precious jewel has returned” is actually an inside joke so I’m not going to explain it. #specsucks

“I’ll be the first to say welcome back”  Here he announces himself as the herald of the end-times,  in which the cloaked mask, destroyer of worlds, returns to reign havok upon spec scum and their snivvelling starbucks-slurping henchmen.    He not only welcomes the fall of spec, but reminds spec that he is welcoming it /back/, recalling the previous times spec was humiliated at the hands of their enemies [1] [2] [3][4][5]

“Oh welcome back
I say welcome, welcome, welcome

In these lines Bruno reveals himself to be a lyrical genious.  At first it seems like he is simply emphasizing the welcoming, repeating “welcome, welcome, welcome”, but then suddenly he strikes with the final word, a literal and metaphysical “stab in the back”.  That is to say, bachanal is no longer to his pleasing, so he will end it. The back itself is a reversal of tone in addition to meaning “reverse”, as in folding in on ones self.  Thus the sudden reversal of the predictable- unpredictable happy-angry joined-split axes all happen simultaneously, and synchonously with the self-explictation.  Bruno mars declares that he will undo that which has been done.  The shock of the final word is made manifest in the self-actualized declaration it has become.  Bacchanl shall be ended, and you shall suffer for your sins.
After this dis-track, many were amazed by his lyrical prowess, but even the most die-hard Mars fan was skeptical that he would deliver on his promise.  Not me.  I believed.  Bacchanal is no more.  Think upon your sins.  Also, stop raping people.  Seriously.
[4]generative linguisticsgate

New Manegerial bored

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 16, 2014 by specsucks

As the year winds to a close and the rapists rape their final victems of the semester under the watchful eye of Columbia’s

Student Services For Gender-Based And Sexual Misconduct

so too does specsucks turnover a new leaf. thus the 2015 manegerial boared was born. a bond borne in blood brotherhood and cash. the people have spoken and a new era arises for specsucks. Those who thought they were safe, think again. Be careful who you trust.



They perform a secret handshake to cement the covalent bond between them. Be suspicious of everyone wearing long sleeves.



if there is anything i have learned from graduate level biochem it is that the triangle is the strongest shape

peter stern don’t wear long sleeves.

exclusive leek

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on May 15, 2014 by specsucks


if you look at this it looks like just a door of the innocent butler bathroom no trouble here but LOOK AGAIN you will see a shadow lurking to strike  we have recieved an insider tip that this might be the MASKED RAPE-reporter who is posting flyers to help people not be raped.  That sounds like a superhero if i ever heard of one.  if you have any information or hints on his ALTER EGO as a MILD MANNERED CAMPUS BLOG REPORTER please let us know more by emailing us at thecloakemask@gamil.com


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