agregate data

Spetc has made they’re demands known. the data has been released, transparency has been achieved and the world is more pellucent for the efforts of spec and activism. that is all very good. with these numbers we can prove conclusively what has been suspected and happenign.

But what if it is all misdirection? Well peopel say you can use statistics to prove anything, so there’s a point I think we’re missing. We have crossed many liens in search of change so what remains? what stones are still unturned? How many people has spect murdered? Specsucks DEMANDS THAT THE DATA IS RELEASED.

I retiaret We at specsucks demand that the statistics of spec are relaeased to the public. Until then we will never rest. No metaphorical door will remain unlocked. When will the people wake up? Are all of these questiosn rhetorical? Who is asking what? talking in ciricles? Specsucks will never beg for mercy. We will never surrender until the data of spec has been released. We do not decline to identify spec as the target of our investigation. We do not accept responsbality for what spec has wrought, we are all victims of speck.

So far the stats speak for themselves. Specsucks protects our privacy not spec that is why we are naonyumous and spec puts names in their artikls. Spec has been found guilty ZERO times…that is suspect. Specsucks is the blog that stands for truth and transparency helping the people know what spec is doing, how many innocents they have tortured and killed nonconsensually behind closed doors? All of this data is mising form the public record under the guise of pricacy. Who is columbia really protecting? the oppressors or the victims. This is all just food for thought , my dear reader, it is for you to decide i am not saying spec is guilty but i am just thiniing critically. What are they hiding?

10 eye stories

ok so you may no that the eye magazine is now all digital for our bright new future.

then here are some artical ideas, also know as “pitches”, which we are happy to make for u.

if you want to use them you can.

or we will write them for you

1. what columbia is like if you are vegetarian

3. what columbia is like if you are gluten sensitive

4. what columbia is like if you are fat

5. what columbia is like if you are a brave truthblogger

6. what columbia is like if you are daily

2. what columbia is like if you are a identity

ten. what columbia is like if you are me

Specsucks establishes official concrete banner policy

When I was reading my paper copy of the columbia spectator, i leaned back from my vomit bucket to notice an article that caught my attention.  “

“Barnard remains without concrete banner”

now that’s actually a good idea i thought to myself classily.  cloth banners wear out, are stolen, and impermanent, like the tenure of the spectator staff.  What better way to remedy these weaknesses then with a concrete banner.   A concrete banner is rock hard (literally), impossible to destroy, sturdy, and stands for american values.  I didn’t read the article but I spent the next few hours contemplating the possibilities.

Intrepid reporting on SSSOL

many of you know the ssol.columbia.edu it is a normal website for registering for classes and photoshopping pictures of your grades to show your parents.  That is what I thought too until one fateful afternoon.  It was dark out and i was by my candlelight browsing for epic memes when it became late so I was tired.  i could have gone to bed and that would be that i wouldn’t be here today talking to you, but that was not what happened.  instead i decided that i would check on my GPA.  now many of you of course are thinking yes that is totally reasonable and you have no reason to be fearful.  But you are wrong.

as I thumped heartily upon the keystrokes of my keyboard, my tired brain decided to play a trick on me, and while I subjectively experienced but two s key taps, instead a third was serendipitously entered.  in my delusional state I did not notice as I hit the enter key with the force of a thousand suns.  As the university login page pulled up, i thought something was amiss.  My intrepid reporting sense was ringing off the hook. I typed in my usual credentials but instead of logging me in it instead popped up a screen with a HUGE FLAMING DEMON FACE saying “go away”.  I clutched my poster of bruno mars tighter.  I clicked the x on the demon face but the demon only laughed.  Truly this was the height of terror.  suddenly i realized:  this wasn’t ssol.  this was SSSOL and i was in for a ride.  The demon laughed at me, his maw gaping in horror.  There was nothing I could do, and I was considering calling CUIT before i noticed a faint outline in the demons mouth.  As he opened his mouth further it materialized into view:  it was a login form, but for some SHADOWY ORGANIZATION.  i sat and contemplated.  if i logged in then maybe it would  serripitously cancel my columbia health insurance waiver. or perhaps all my bank account would be transfered to someone else.  there was no knowing what they could do.  So of course as a intrepid fucking reporter i hatched a plan.  I pulled out my list of spec staff login credentials. I started at the top.  Abrams?  Lau?  no, too obvious…. I scrolled down my list further.  Salazar.  The perfect mark.  Powerful enough to bring shame to the spec community, but lowly enough that nobody would believe him.  After all, it’s hard to be taken seriously when you’re the arts and entertainment guy.  Sort of like the frothy foam on top of the meaty carcass of intrepid reporting.  I took a moment to pat myself on the back.  I’d really outdone myself.   I copied the information from my plaid notebook… djs2199… ilovecolumbia…the demons eyes quivered in pleasure as I entered each character emphatically (ED: the original password has been modified to protect the users identity.  It originally contained a digit at the end).  as I entered the final digit, the demons mouth closed around me, and I was entered into the cavern.    I could faintly make out the outline of various illegal activities and scandals in the dim light of the cave (ED: this metaphor is slightly confusing).   I lurched forwards towards a tab labelled “spec finances” accompanied by a GIF of a dancing baby.    i hovered my mouse over the mousepad, and then clicked.  I strained my eyes as the pages and pages of 4 pt font cleverly designed to hide their finances from prying eyes loaded and prepared my zoom key.   but just as the last page loaded.   my screen turned dark with terror, and a sudden flash of blackness meant I lost all power.  NOOOOOOOO!!! I cried out into the darkness.  I removed my hood to see better.  it was a power outage….. or somethign more sinister.  I slept by  candlelight.

by the next day the trauma had not worn off.  I rushed to the university campus library for students, and i slammed on the keys.  S S S O L D O T C O L U M B I A D O T E D U.  I was smashed in the face by a 404 error.  They were on to me.  The gig is up.  well, when you’re as intrepid and journalisty as I am, you’ve had quite a few gigs be up on you in your day.  But i am still watching and lurking and waiting, for the time that they next slip.  I AM THE FIST THAT SHALL BRING YOU DOWN.

-The Mysterious Shadow

(this story has been adapted from the original I posted to /r/creepy)

if you are a cretive writer or intrepid journalist please contact thecloakedmask@gmail.com for submissions which we will  respond to in 4-6 business years.